On this page i'll post frequent messages with helpful hints, tips and tricks. How to fence stolen farm machinery. How to really rev his motor. How to make The Best Damn Jello Salad You Ever Tasted. In short, how to get the most out of life. Check back often - you'll kick yourself if you don't!

26th Jan 2005

Pick a morning when you're in a big hurry. You get up late when you were supposed to get up early, the dog has made a mess on the floor, and you just know you're gonna have to spend 5 minutes scraping your car windows when you eventually do get out the door. You're not even at work, and you're already stressed. Instead of rushing around, take this little bit of advice from your ol' Cuzn Ed:

Take a massive shit.

"Nonsense," you say. "I don't have time for body functions - i have to get to work!" Trust me, you'll feel better. Take a little time out for you, and take a massive shit. A my-pants-fit-better-now kind of shit. Don't get up 'til both feet have fallen asleep. When you get to the office, you'll feel refreshed, relaxed, ready to take on the day

"You're five minutes late," the boss may say. "Where have you been?"

Don't snivel and simper and gee-i'm-sorry-traffic-was-awful. Look him right in the eye and say, "I took a massive shit. And i feel much better, thanks." The look you'll see in his eye will be jealousy.

12th Feb 2005

Every now and then, use the wrong turn signal.

26th Feb 2005

If you simply must be yourself, please do it somewhere else.

19th Jul 2009

Next time a waiter asks how you want your steak done, tell him al dente.